The History of Ecology
YOU'RE A WASTE
By Jerry Grant
Those are harsh words, I know, but these are harsh times. Diplomacy and tact can 'waste' a lot of valuable energy. And speaking of 'waste', you must realize by now that waste... pollution... disintegration... recycling and Greenpeace are the new 'buzzwords' of the 90's.
Just look at the garbage, disposables, phosphates and carcinogens that you dumped on the planet between 7 and 10 this morning. Tell me you're not a waste. Years ago you could throw garbage or boxes anywhere, anytime and the worst that could happen is it would look like New York.
Today it's a different world.
Today there are spies dressed in the shape of trees that keep a close watch on your throwing arm. Throw a beer can out of a car window... that's a $500 fine. If it hits a motorcycle cop in the head... that's double.
There are organizations that gather outside your window, just to 'monitor' your garbage habits and measure your toxic waste.
They'll turn you in at the drop of a bucket. Specially Styrofoam buckets. You dump a diaper - you pay the piper.
There are cameras all over your house that you can't even see.
A new 'homing device', about to be attached to your ankle, will set off an embarrassing alarm if you go to the supermarket to purchase non-biodegradable toilet paper. Eco-logical reasons or not... you are now subject to arrest.
And let's not overlook the Global Gonifs. The Computer Polluter.
And worse yet... you don't just put Jerry Springer on TV and get off scott free. Everybody is going to pay for that one!
And we've yet to Exxon-erate you know who for the Alaska oil painting.
And who can forget Boris Boozki of Russia?
When they buried him... they buried 2200 gallons of pure Vodka. He alone contaminated the earth.
In the USA, you can't go anywhere without running into "recycling centers" where you can turn in almost anything except your husbands.
Everything's recyclable... haste makes waste... waste makes paste... paste makes taste. It's getting ridiculous. Remember, Big Bother is watching... Greenpeace is snitching... Uncle Sam is waiting.
We've abused this earth long enough... since the days of wine and Moses.
Well it's over folks.
Turn in your bottles, your papers, your cans.
Okay... environmentalists... ATTACK!
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