THE HISTORY OF SPACE
By Jerry Grant
We welcome your
Location: Space Station Mercantile... 5200 light years above planet Earth. Who would figure that it would get to be such a Jungle up here? It has gotten so congested, so competitive, so dog-eat-dog, we were forced to sell. So we ran the following ad...
Our lease is up and we are getting out! Everything must go...including mother-in-law. Sale starts at 1/2 price then 1/2 price again - then back to original price - then 1/2 off 1/2 price - then reduced price - short price - any price!
We were doing so good, we were making money faster than you could say "up and at 'em."
Our prices were 'sky high' and we still couldn't keep up with the demand. We obviously were very successful in keeping PHAR-MOR out.
Suddenly, the 'MEESKITES' from planet Mars moved in and they brought crime and punishment with them and you couldn't spacewalk anywhere without getting mugged. As you know, the Martians have no finger prints, so they were getting away with murder.
And if that wasn't bad enough, the 'URINALS' from planet Uranus brought us tons of rain and that didn't help business either.
But when Bernie from Jupiter snuck in and opened the first Flea Market, words like Discount...Wholesale...Sacrifice...Marked Down...Twofers...Mother of All Sales...entered our vocabulary, we could see the writing on the Ozone wall.
It didn't take the Japanesewlong to discover there was a fast buck to be made and they started shipping Sony Walkmans which we sold for earmuffs during the winter season.
The big money maker of course, was NOISE R' US. They sold rocket boosters - propellants - rocket fuel - oxidizer - micro meteroids - heat shields - electrons - and noisy burglar alarms.
The super salesperson of the galaxy was Esther. She said, "Give me ten dollars worth of costume jewelry and show me where the Plutonians live!" She made a fortune.
The hardest part of leaving was giving up the luxuries we had...no TV...no phone...no car payments...no golf fees.
You have no idea how great it was not having to sit through today's TV programs.
And who needs phones? Every telemarketer in the world has your phone number and call you at all hours of the day and night.
Car payments...well how many places can you live where you can get away without having car payments?
Golf fees...they cost a bundle. After you hit your first ball, you'll never see it again. It will be floating somewhere near Saturn.
Pizza Hut and Dominos started a war with each other, and the pizzas were flying faster than flying saucers.
We called U-Haul and got out of their fast!
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