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The History of Automobiles
The New Cars On The Block

By Jerry Grant

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Can we talk?... Hey that's not me folks - that's the new car from Japan... the "TAKA", talking up a storm.

Listen up, it's yapping away already... "Fasten your seat belt"... "Your rear door is ajar"... "The ashtray needs cleaning"... "Time to rotate your tires"...What is it with Japan and their scientists? Are they trying to send us a message?... By car yet! Or is it because it's the 90's and they can't get $42,000 for a car that just gets you there.

The Israeli version the "KISHKA" goes too far - I don't mean in mileage... I mean in language. It will nag you, and nag you, and nag you... "Don't smoke"... "Don't speed"... "Don't turn"... "Don't stop"...Nag, Nag, Nag till you want to drive the car to the nearest car pound.

Then of course there is the "YUGO" from abroad, making a comeback. It was the first to introduce excessive excuses. It got it's name the "YUGO" when it kept running out of spare parts and you stared at your wife and said "Now yugo for a mechanic."

The Russian counterpart, the "STALIN", was aptly named after it kept stallin' and stallin'. If you were stuck in traffic for more than two hours, you had to hope you were on top of a hill about to be crashed into for propulsion. Industry wags say they are about to introduce the "RUSSIAN ROULETTE" which has a stop and go feature.

But look out for the Italians, who have a thing with speed. Remember, it started with Domino's. Their new car the "FETTECCINI" has been clocked at from zero to obituary in 40 seconds flat. Their ad campaign: "If you're gonna go - go in a "FETTECCINI".

The Chinese have a pollution free entry. They take two bicyclists who aim for each other at high speeds and fuse into a four-wheel vehicle... Put a rickshaw in the middle and eliminate the runner entirely. They call this the "LEGG ROLL"

Spain, where gasoline costs as much as the car, came up with an innovative concept. The "MATADOR". They simply paint all their cars bright red and tie a bull behind them.

France, known for it's great fragrances went for distinctive smell with their compact "LA ZOO". It gets your attention immediately, as it has an aroma like Bridget Bardot's animal farm.

However, the car to look out for this year is the "ROCKET"... specially when it's coming down the road aiming its 6 cylinder hot rod neon lit graffiti grill at your fragile tuchus with some 16 year old maxed out misfit in his first solo "ROCKET" to wreck-it adventure!

Personally, I drive a 1932 ESSEX, 2 more payments, and it's all mine.

 

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