HISTORICAL OR HYSTERICAL
BY JERRY GRANT
Ready for history lesson #1 ?
I’m sure most of you never got to see it...but Adam and Eve used to fight like cats and dogs.
Since it was too early to fight over parking tickets, Nieman Marcus bills or burnt brisket, they would usually have fierce fights over things like whose caterpillar really won the race.
Your early relatives, the cave dwellers, would also fight like crazy, usually over space. "Get outta my bed!" "Get outta my cave!" "Get outta my life!" It was terrible.
The history books are full of fights.
We’ve been fighting ever since Adam and Eve and we haven’t stopped fighting yet.
But we are here to get ready for your history test, so let’s get on with it.
We’ll get back to the fighting later.
Have you ever wondered who was the very first person to discover that when you pull a cow’s genitals, you get milk…and when you pull a gorilla’s, you get killed?
You probably never understood how the Romans got flat noses. Simple! They couldn’t wait. They used to race their chariots down steep hills long before the brake was invented!
History also tells us that the first cave dwellers were very much afraid of the dark. (You know, lions, tigers and gruntatzooris.) Consequently, they slept in piles, ‘till the one on the bottom couldn’t take it anymore. So in desperation, the ‘bunk bed’ was born.
The most popular event in the early days were the big rock concerts. Capacity crowds got together and threw rocks at each other.
The first hospital was opened for business during the Spanish inquisition , which was perfect timing. There were no pain killers then, only killer pain. So everyone in the hospital sounded like Placido Domingo passing a kidney stone!
When the Indians surrounded anything, you knew your number was up…which led to the concept of Bingo!
Early settlers were taken in by early hustlers. For example: The guy who sold the British army their ‘bright red’ jackets to show off to the enemy!
Long before Disneyworld - the big attraction was the pyramids of Egypt. The popular thrill ride was when you got ‘catapulted’ into the air and landed on the pyramids. The one with the most bruises won the most prizes.
The Pilgrims arrived on the scene and became an instant hit as they rose to the top of the charts with their smash single "The Turkey Trot".
The middle ages were terrible…they indiscriminately gave us bags under the eyes…stomach paunches…gray hair…flat feet…gout…and cellulite hips.
The Renaissance period gave us Michaelangelo…who incidentally never paid any taxes. Every time they came to arrest him, he was on the ceiling and they couldn’t find him.
History repeats itself - Noah’s Ark increased the world’s population and so did the Love Boat.
And history ain’t what it used to be! Billy Joel did not start the fire…it happened accidentally at the first Macy’s "girdle sale", when two voracious females created so much friction, the entire place burned down.
There was no such thing as fire fighters then…only fire watchers!
What did Genghis Khan, Julius Caesar, Napoleon Bonaparte, Attila the Hun and Lawrence of Arabia have in common? William Morris was their agent…He got them all a movie deal, didn’t he?
Contrary to popular belief: Christopher Columbus did not discover America when he landed in 1492. He was welcomed by the Medellin Drug Cartel who had all the street corners occupied.
Well that’s history folks…from the stone age to the stoned age!
ATTENTION ALL NEWS PERIODICALS
AND MAGAZINE EDITORS!
Jerry Grant's Topical Satire is
Now Available For Syndication...