SENATOR HILLARY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By Jerry Grant

Her first meeting was at the Guggenheim museum with a group of artifact factions on factoids.

She chartered a plane... a crew and an entourage.

When a reporter asked her why she had to charter a plane to get to 89th and 5th Avenue, she said: "Oh! I didnít know it was only 3 blocks from my apartment!"

Do you see what we are dealing with here folks??

A carpetbagger who doesnít know where the carpets are. You donít just go to New York and claim Indian rights... Ďspecially if youíre from Arkansas... not exactly a turnipís throw to the big apple. You are entering the planetís Twilight Zone... the most eclectic mix of the wild and wacky.

According to nasty New Yorkers, she will need a compass to find the Brooklyn Bridge... the Lincoln Tunnel... the Statton Island Ferry, and the Carnegie delicatessen.
She will need a crash course at the Berlitz school of language before she hails a cab.
She cannot walk New York streets at an Arkansas pace. She will have to triple her pace just to keep up with the people who are not going anywhere. Monday... her goofy gopher James Carville suggested she mingle with the masses. So she stepped into the 42nd  St. subway during "crush" hour where she discovered you will never get any closer to more people in one place at one time. Tuesday... a visit to Greenwich Village where she discovered it takes more than a Village!

Wednesday... Central Park. This is not a picnic ground. Donít go there when Garth Brooks is there. (For those of you with memory lapses... Garth over jammed the park one day.) If you plan on jogging there for PR effect, make sure you take the New York Jets with you.

Thursday... you might want to visit Hyde Park and continue your conversations with Eleanor Roosevelt.

From there a hop, skip and a jump to a Knish Dish in the Catskills.It is evident this transformation from Arkansan to New Yorker is going to take some serious planning!

It didnít take long before she realized that she had to send for Hollywoodís best writers to
"tease... appease and please" the weary wary New York voter. She caught on very quickly.

In a generous gesture, she turned the Vanderbilt mansion over to the homeless. (Although they were very rough on the servants.) Moving the United Nations to Rhode Island was a good move and made room for parking.

Adding a new section to the Bronx Zoo to accommodate Howard Stern and Don Imus took a lot of guts... but it worked.

Painting her face on the Statue of Liberty was a stroke of genius... (except for Seagull season.)

Making Yo Yo Ma ambassador to New Yorkís Chinatown was brilliant. Mandating that street vendors have to pass a polygraph test was very popular.

Turning Grand Central station into an all nite disco for the kids was a great idea... although the senior commuters are not too thrilled about being shuttled through the Holland Tunnel!

Making Jake Lamotta mayor of Little Italy was classic Clinton!

Fire Island couldnít have been happier when you gave them their very own flag.

You missed going to SoHo, but SoWhat!

The Hamptons... what do you give people who have everything? Their very own ATM in every Hampton home was right on the money!

Wall Street traders know how to handle "insiders" but they werenít prepared for "outsiders"!

Turning Letterman down for appearing on "Stupid Political Tricks" was very appropriate.
Let him get Al DíAmato!

Changing Avenue of the Americas to Wes Hubbel Highway serves many purposes.

Trading the World Trade Center for a Ricky Martin Museum made lots of sense to most of us.

Canceling Trumpís use of the name Trump was long overdue.

If you really love New York and New York is suffering from over population... Whatís your Rush?

Jerry Grant

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