Satire
Nite
Live


The History of the
Lincoln

Bedroom

CLASSIC BEDTIME STORIES

By Jerry Grant

We welcome your response.
Thank You

grantworld@earthlink.net

When I heard how much you can make sleeping in the old sagging Lincoln bed, I didn't need to get hit by a Mack truck to get smart real quick!

I ran out and bought 22 very old beat up beds. I bought Woodrow Wilson's four poster... I bought James Madison's state bed...Millard Fillmore's bunk bed...Zachary Taylor's murphy bed... Andrew Jackson's straw mats... Thomas Jefferson's bedstead... JFK's waterbed... Warren Harding's hammock which he kept falling out of because of a weight problem... and 14 others. I was careful not to dent and damage them anymore than they were already.

I rented a hall and lined up the 22 beds side by side. You pick your bed... you sleep in it for one night only...we give you a photo snoring away...you give us a check for $100,000... you go away happy... what a business!

I wish I thought of it before Bill Clinton... I could have retired by now.

The Nixon bed, believe it or not, was fully equipped with taping facilities. Don't ask!

The Eisenhower bed was rather lumpy...golf balls probably...so we're letting that one go for $60,000 for the night.

The popular bed was the Spiro Agnew bed. Apparently several sleepers had found some stuffed envelopes under the mattress. So naturally it's $125,000. A bargain!

The Coolidge crib may be cramped, but the low $40,000 price sure draws the crowds.

We thought we were doing real good with the souvenir 'socks' cat litters we were selling...but that was nothing compared to the attraction of the beat up beds. Who would ever think that the crickety old beds that can bend your spinal cord out of whack...would be so popular with the very comfortable rich.

I personally wouldn't sleep in one without a chiropractor, but when I see all the anxious folk throwing their wallets and bank books at the entrepreneurs for a horizontal happening, I started rethinking what my priorities should be.

I thought the $70,000 travel guide to Arkansas restaurants was a good idea. Then I thought the $30,000 cup of coffee with the Prez was a sensational idea. And this one is hard to beat... sitting on a chair in a radio station for big bucks of course, listening to the Prez talk about 'campaign financing reform'. Wow... that's almost as exciting as listening to weather stations.

Now nobody has mentioned how much they could have charged to jog with the Prez... but that's a lousy idea because you're all out of shape anyway. So who's going to kick in $50,000 just to wind up in intensive care?

Go figure the best idea of all would be offering the rich and influential a "bad nights sleep" in an uncomfortable bed... on a rock hard mattress... on a sunken box spring casing. Who could afford all this besides the Chinese donors... the Fortune 500 or the Clinton clan???

Beddy-bye!


Next Bedtime Stories Page


 

 
 
Image  Mapped


 

Jerry Grant

Next Neon - Bedtime Story
Next SATIRE NITE LIVE Page

email:
grantworld@earthlink.net


HOME

HISTORY OF HUMOR
 
POLITOONS

THE DAILY NOOSE
 
THE HISTORY OF THE LINCOLN BEDROOM
 
HISTORY OF FASHION

YOU'RE A WASTE

NEW CARS ON THE BLOCK

HISTORY OF SPACE

HISTORY OF SEX

CONGRATULATIONS...YOU'RE FIRED!!!

READ WHAT THE CRITICS SAY...
I laffed 'Til It Hurt...Marquis De Sade
I gave it Four Stars...Galileo
Certainly Rings A Bell For Me...Alexander Graham