Satire
Nite
Live


The History of 

Animals

WAY BEYOND THE FARM

By Jerry Grant

I don't want to alarm you, but as soon as I mention it, you'll realize I'm right. There's been a major 'screw up' in the animal world.

It should not have taken this long to expose, but we didn't have the Freedom of Information Act or the National Enquirer in the early part of the century. Giraffes were not put on earth with 'six foot necks' to straggle around a zoo and be gaped at. We can now tell you that they were put on police assignment to look over high fences and walls checking for crack houses, etc.

Just as you certainly don't think that the 'striped outfit' on a zebra was an accident either. Zebras were intended to be government informers picking up hot info as they mingled among the prison population incognito.

Kangaroos were something else. You had to watch then carefully, they were perfect kleptomaniacs and hard to catch unless you could hop as fast as they could.

Yes... this all had the makings of a scandalous cover-up kept from the public until it was discovered in Ollie North's shredder.

All you have to do is look suspiciously at the peculiar Salvador Dali designs of the animal world to jolt yourselves into the strange world of logic.

Animals police the planet!

Isn't it obvious that the hippopotamuses were used for finger printing. When they sat on your body, your fingerprints came out as clear as a picture of your dental cavities.

Peacocks... I'll bet a lot of you still think the peacocks' wide spread multi-colored tail is like any other multi-colored wide spread tail.

Wrong... Peacock person! They are cleverly camouflaged radar detectors... (Enough said!).

Each animal had some 'unique body feature' that served a specific purpose in rather dangerous police work. For example:

The sleek gazelle usually rode with one of the heavier cops who couldn't run as fast as most burglars.

Rhinoceros... swat teams always used a rhino to open doors and of course, no one had to holler "Freeze!"

Leopards were used for testing drunk drivers to see if they saw spots in front of their eyes.

The skunk was used when they ran out of tear gas. They threw a skunk or two in thru the window, who in turn would 'spray' the entire house in three seconds flat... including several neighbors unfortunately.

The curvaceous camel was called in when they had heavy fire power. When they fit the police bazookas firmly between the two humps, they had an accuracy record of 83%.

Elephants were used in select situations to hose down protesters.

Cows were used extensively for thirsty cops on lookouts until, of course, the vending machines arrived.

Pelicans and gulls were ideal containers for confiscated stolen goods.

Antlers were used as handy hangers for on the spot strip searches.

The octopus could manacle 8 suspects in one sweep. A big savings.

Laughing hyenas were used in court as an effective counter measure to outrageous defense arguments.

So lets put them back to work pronto... and solve the crime problem... without using up all our tax dollars.


 

Jerry Grant


Next Neon - Bedtime Story
Next SATIRE NITE LIVE Page


 
Image  Mapped

email TO grantworld@earthlink.net
 

HOME

HISTORY OF HUMOR
 
POLITOONS

THE DAILY NOOSE
 
THE HISTORY OF THE LINCOLN BEDROOM
 
HISTORY OF FASHION

YOU'RE A WASTE

NEW CARS ON THE BLOCK

HISTORY OF SPACE

HISTORY OF SEX

CONGRATULATIONS...YOU'RE FIRED!!!