Satire Nite Live By Jerry Grant

GREEN KETCHUP

Jerry

· DIRECTOR, EXPERIMENTAL LABORATORY
· HEINZ KETCHUP COMPANY
·
PITTSBURGH, PA

DEAR LAB PERSON…

NOT ONLY ARE WE JUST GETTING OVER THE EDSEL ORDEAL,

AND NOT ONLY ARE WE JUST GETTING OVER THE NEW COKE FORMULA TASTE TRAUMA,
BUT WE HAD TO DEAL WITH DISCOVERING MILLI VANILLI WAS LIP SYNCHING.
WE HAD TO ENDURE THE DISAPPEARANCE OF THE NEHRU JACKET…THE FADING OF THE OLESTRA
INVASION…AND THE EMOTIONAL SETBACK OF THE DIANA ROSS EMPTY STADIUM TOUR.
HOW MUCH CAN WE TAKE ???

NOW YOU WANT TO GIVE US GREEN KETCHUP! WHAT'S NEXT…BROWN MAYO???

"HONEY...IS THE CHEESE IN THE REFRIGERATOR SUPPOSED TO BE BLACK???" IN THE WORDS OF NANCY REAGAN…WE'RE GONNA JUST SAY NO! DID YOU THINK YOU WOULD ACTUALLY GET AWAY WITH YOUR DR. SEUSS LUNCHEON SPECIAL??? LET ME REMIND YOU OF SOME PREVIOUS MISHAPS. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD EVER FIGURE THAT CORNED BEEF ON RYE WOULD NEED MUSTARD? GUISEPPE CARBONZA IN 1642 FIRST TRIED CORNED BEEF MIXED WITH CHOCOLATE MOUSSE AND MUSTARD PLASTER. (HE WAS CLOSE) BUT OF COURSE, HE DROPPED DEAD BEFORE FINISHING THE SANDWICH. THERE WAS NOT ONE WORD IN THE MORNING PAPERS ABOUT THIS. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN CALLED CARBONE-BEEF ON RYE, AFTER HIM, IN AT LEAST A SMALL TRIBUTE TO HIS PAINFUL DEMISE.

ONLY TWO DAYS BEFORE, HIS COUSIN ANGELA, WAS MIXING TREE BARK, JALAPENO HERBS AND LINGUINE IN HER SEARCH FOR A HOT SELLING RECIPE. SHE NEVER EVEN GOT A CHANCE TO DIAL 911 BEFORE SHE STRETCHED OUT STRAIGHT AS AN ARROW AND EXPIRED ON THE SPOT. ANOTHER UNHERALDED HEROINE.

ARCHAEOLOGISTS DISCOVERED THAT SOME ANCIENT INDIAN TRIBE, WHO WAS REALLY HUNGRY, TRIED CUTTING OFF SOME BELLADONNA FUNGI THALLUS PLANT, PUT IT IN A BOWL WITH CHOPPED LIVER AND GARBANZO BEANS AND GULPED IT ALL DOWN WITH IGUANA SAUCE. THEY IMMEDIATELY TURNED INTO TOTEM POLES, AND ARE DISPLAYED TO THIS DAY AT DISNEYWORLD. BUT WHY SHOULD WE BE SURPRISED?

AFTER ALL, OUR VERY FIRST CAVEMEN FIRST INTRODUCED STONE CRABS TO THE MARKETPLACE. TRAGICALLY, THEY NEVER MADE IT PAST THE FIRST MEAL BECAUSE THEY HAD NO IDEA YOU HAD TO REMOVE THE SHELLS BEFORE SWALLOWING!

THEN THERE WAS IGNOTT NAJINSKI, THE RUSSIAN PIONEER, WHO LONG BEFORE COKE AND PEPSI, TRIED DRINKING RUSTY RADIATOR FLOW WITH PICKLE JUICE. 700 YEARS LATER HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN SAVED BY QUICKLY GULPING DOWN A BOTTLE OF MAALOX, BUT OF COURSE HE HAD NO SUCH LUCK! THE FRENCH WHO ARE FAMOUS FOR THEIR SAUCES, MOST OF WHICH HAPPENED BY PURE ACCIDENT, SUCH AS THE ONE BERNIE BERNAISE INVENTED. IT HAPPENED AS HE WAS WHEEZING BADLY OVER SOME HORSERADISH HE WAS EXPERIMENTING WITH. HE GRABBED THE FIRST THING IN SIGHT TO STOP WHEEZING. VOILA! BERNAISE SAUCE!

HE WAS LEFT WHEEZING BADLY, BUT LOOK HOW THE FOOD WE EAT TODAY HAS ADVANCED FROM 'THE WHEEZER TO THE FREEZER'!

IF YOU WONDER HOW SOME FOODS GOT NAMED, IT'S USUALLY VERY SIMPLE. FOR EXAMPLE, 18TH CENTURY NUTRITIONIST ARTHUR KRONGOLD DISCOVERED THE CONSEQUENCE OF NOT CHEWING FOOD PROPERLY WHEN THE HEADLINE READ "ARTIE CHOKES". TODAY, ALL SUPERMARKETS CARRY ARTICHOKES.

WITH IT ALL, A DAY THAT WILL GO DOWN IN INFAMY, WAS THE PICNIC THAT
SVENGA SMORGASBORD THREW FOR HIS EMPLOYEES. EVERYTHING IN SIGHT WOUND UP ON ONE GIANT PLATE AND EVERYONE DIVED IN AND ATE UNTIL, YOU GUESSED IT, A SLOW WRITHING PAINFUL DEATH TO ONE AND ALL INCLUDING SVENGA.

HOWEVER, IT DID LEAD TO THE VERY POPULAR SALAD BARS , BUFFETS AND PIG-OUTS WE ENJOY TODAY. BUT WE CANNOT, AND SHOULD NOT, GET SO COMPLACENT THAT WE FORGET THE UNSUNG HEROES WHO GAVE THEIR LIVES IN AGONIZING TORTURE, "TASTING, TESTING AND TOUTING" RECIPES SO YOU AND I CAN GO TO McDONALDS TODAY WITH A MINIMAL AMOUNT OF PAIN!


We welcome your email response. Thank you!

Image  Mapped


Jerry Grant

email TO grantworld@earthlink.net

Next Neon - Bedtime Story
Next SATIRE NITE LIVE Page


THE GERIATRIC SWINGER
JERRY SPRINGER


Jerry Springer

NEW -
"You're A Waste"

 

HOME

HISTORY OF HUMOR
 
POLITOONS

THE DAILY NOOSE
 
THE HISTORY OF THE LINCOLN BEDROOM
 
HISTORY OF FASHION

YOU'RE A WASTE

NEW CARS ON THE BLOCK

HISTORY OF SPACE

HISTORY OF SEX

CONGRATULATIONS...YOU'RE FIRED!!!



READ WHAT THE CRITICS SAY...
I laffed 'Til It Hurt...Marquis De Sade
I Predict It Will Be A Big Hit...Nostradamus
Makes You Sit Up And Think...Rodin
I Think You're 'All' Nutz...Ziggy Freud

 
 

email: grantworld@earthlink.net

ATTENTION ALL NEWS PERIODICALS AND MAGAZINE EDITORS!
Jerry Grant's Topical Satire is
Now Available For Syndication...
(954) 961-3933

Be sure to check out the new pages:
YADA...YADA...YADA

Satire Nite live
email:
grantworld@earthlink.net

This Website Designed by The 3 Marketeers