IF YOU HAVE A CELL PHONE…SELL IT!

Satire Nite Live By Jerry Grant

By Jerry Grant

Jerry

Thank God for Cell Phones.

If it weren't for Cell Phones, I never would have known that Seymour's pipe fittings were late for delivery. You see, Seymour was sitting at the next table in the gourmet restaurant yelling at his distributor for late delivery and I was trying to enjoy my oyster shells…but the screaming, cursing and yelling didn't taste too good with the diatribes.

I decided to go to the washroom to vent my anger, only to discover standing beside me at the urinals juggling his dialing, his anxiety and his aiming in all directions was Homer. Homer was trying to reach his brother in Cincinnati, but the Cell Zone kept cutting off, apparently in sync with his aiming. I got the hell out of there before the next dial tone.

I headed home in my new mini-van and I was flabbergasted at all the drivers on a Cell Phone. None of them were talking to driving instructors but they sure needed help following the white line. At the bottom of a four way car pile up was a constant ringing as apparently someone was trying to reach the guy pinned under the rear axle. I think it's still ringing!

And don't you just love when you're in a theater watching a Shakespeare play as he says "Hark… I hear thee prancing through the portals of love…whence we trash away the begotten and ring in the new"…(and suddenly the Cell Phone goes off in the second row!) Hark my ass!…Throw the bastards out!

How about the supermarket? Debra talking to her mother… "Should I get the 2 ply or the 1 ply"?

Then there is Sally and Shirley next to each other under the hairdryer who are conversing at the top of their lungs trying to compete with the 747's landing at the airport!

Worst of all, when Regis said you can call a friend, I was the friend and my Cell Phone battery died right before I was about to tell Bob that the Iguazu Falls are located in Brazil.

When it affects the classroom, that's bad news. Jennifer was trying to listen to every word her English teacher was saying, while at the same time trying to hear everything Marissa was discussing about her sexual exploits on her date last night. It was terrible how many times Marissa used the "F word". Jennifer, an "A" student, couldn't understand how she got an F on her English test!

Henry was using his Cell Phone on the treadmill at the gym. He was not losing weight, he was losing the signal. The more it cut out, the more he tried to make contact. Unfortunately, increasing his speed in an effort to make contact only meant that it would be three weeks before Henry recovered!

Also beware of mall walkers and talkers trying to appear important. Those are the ones who incite "CELL RAGE"!

Okay CELL-YOU-LITES…It's time to unite!
It's time to make some Citizens' Arrests.
Next time you see some Dodo dialing or speaking on a Cell Phone in a crowded elevator…just grab the Cell Phone out of his hand and dial 911. Tell the officer your story and tell them to hurry up. CELL-RAGE is not a pretty thing!

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Jerry Grant

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